Only Eighty-Five

I did it. I did, I did, I did. I did IT.

I fell prey to the vending machines.

And it was only the second day I had classes.

I sat in front of the vending machine for a whole hour. An hour without being weak. And then I had a short, quick, internal argument:

You don’t have money to blow.
It’s only 1:50
It’s overpriced.
You have money…it’s only 1.50.
I don’t have cash.
It takes credit cards (helllloooo?).

Is it my fault that I’m good at forming an argument even against myself (I blame my english teachers for teaching me argumentative writing)????? So i dug through my purse and pulled it out (it as in my new platinum-looking Discover Card). And I got up. And I made the confident march to the row of machines that had taunted me for the last sixty minutes. And I looked it in the eye (square and firmly) and stuck my hand out (card in hand, the first time I’ve used this Disvocer card so I felt extremely fancy) and put card to card reader and I swiped it (and it was perhaps one of the most glorious swipes ever made).

Then the machine vended and there it was: the sweet looking, two-hundred-and-ninety-calorie filled bottle of Mello Yello (it’s just like if I had added too much sugar and cream to my coffee right? (at least that’s what I told myself. It was just like coffee)). And maybe you’re thinking that 8AM is way too early for soda  (or that I’ve started way too many sentences with AND), but if you  are, then I don’t think you understand.

And if you yourself have fallen plague to Vending Machinitis, then I’m pretty sure you do know. And if you’re in college then I’m pretty sure you may have a slight idea.

If anything, even above alcoholism and cigarette smoking, this is the most dangerous bad habit you could possibly develop in college.  It really is.  It starts off with a measly eighty-five cents for a bag of hot cheetos (for breakfast because you don’t usually get hungry except for that one day and don’t hot cheetos fro breakfast just seem, well, awesome? (that’s how I felt about my Mello Yello)). And it only takes eighty-five cents to get you snowballing down a semester-long mountain. Pretty soon it’s not just one day, it’s almost everyday (or at least every trip to school) and it’s not just a bag of chips, it’s a cinnamon roll too (or you know maybe also a cheese danish). It becomes such a problem that you’ve realized (at least according to your bank statement (which could be lying, you never know)) you’ve spent more than thirty dollars on overpriced bags of miniature cookies.

And that’s when the depression sits in.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM ( more specifically what I like to call Vending Machinitis (it’s severe)).

And that’s it, you’ve been sucked in. And then you’re on a spiral downwards, hurdling into a black abyss (which actually has a pile of stupidly delicious snacks at the bottom and then suddenly you’re drowning in fruit snacks and cookies and rice krispies and Sun Chips and gum and cheetos and (when you’re feeling healthy) peanuts and veggie chips (basically healthy right??) and the bottles of Vitamin Water and soda and water are all weighing you down. And you’re drowning…..but you’re also living in a dream. A wonderful, beautiful snack fantasy. Who knew there were so many snack that existed?????

My only advice can be just don’t do it.


You don’t need those Bugles as much as you think you do. You aren’t as hungry as you think you might be. In fact, ignore that you haven’t eaten at all today. Those bite size brownies or that bag of Chex Mix is not worth it.

It will send you to a dark place.

So, approach with caution.

It only takes eighty-five cents.


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