How I Lost My Stalker Game

In case you weren’t aware, I’ve been a professional social media stalker for a long time (we are talking MySpace days okay). And when I say professional I mean I can scroll all the way down to 252 weeks ago and not accidentally like a single thing on Instagram. I am talking loading all ten thousand of your tweets and not accidentally favoriting something from 2013. I am talking the big leagues. It’s where I find all my information sometimes (you know when I need to confirm he said she said rumors and you just so happen to know that everyone put way TMI online).

I know I sound like a real creep right now, but I’m not (but I can be I’ve heard just take my word that I’m not like super creepy (though I may know more about you than you’ve told me, but really don’t freak out)). In fact, it’s a gift really (and okay sometimes it’s a problem with the whole spending hours on my phone or online thing when I should be doing homework or something). It might be only a little weird that I can spot your cousins on the street (I’m too good with faces and names and you have ten billion tagged photos with said cousin). And maybe it’s a problem that private profiles and people who have social media accounts but are not active are my two least favorite kinds of people in the world, but I promise…I am perfectly normal (when it comes to standard definition of normal and trying to define the line between creepy and normal).

The only thing is that today….I accidentally liked a picture from 125 weeks ago on an Instagram account of a guy I was not following. Or maybe I didn’t. The thing is that I’m not sure if I liked it now or if I liked it when it was posted 125 weeks ago (though I doubt it because I would never have typically liked it now so I’m not sure why 125 week ago me would have liked it), but either way, I was doing stalker work (you know given the fact that I wasn’t following him and all). And I know!!! I’m ashamed. And I’m sorry I’ve let you down. I know you all had this wonderfully painted picture of me in your mind as this stalker goddess, with short (JUST REALIZED YOU MISSED OUT ON FIVE MONTHS OF MY LIFE AND I ACTUALLY CHOPPED FOURTEEN INCHES OFF MY LONG LOCKS AND I NOW SPORT SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR) flowing hair, blowing in the breeze and this killer smile that makes you melt (I’m really not trying to be conceited here). I know you all had me perfect in your mind and I’m sorry I just blew it.

I guess you can say I’ve been distracted (distraction is the leading cause for mistake making), what with the whole dying thing (as I mentioned in my depressing post which was so a joke (or not a joke but you know whatever)) given that I have buttloads of work to do and I’ve only had school for two days (I can only imagine how the semester will go). And i am vowing to never let dying get in the way of a stalking session. All stalking does is get me depressed anyhow (don’t everyone else’s lives look so much more awesome in their Instagram than your Instagram (and your, you know, life?)), which reminds me that I wanted to let you know I almost had an epiphany.

(I say almost because it was like an almost sneeze, where my mind got prepared and had all these things and feelings running through it ready to ephiphanize (new word?), but then I got off the life high and forgot why I was thinking it.) For five whole a
seconds, I was in love with my place in life.

Crazy, right? (Coming from the girl who complains about everything in just about every post.)

But while sitting in my last class, I thought about just how much I had learned that day! I had learned so much. I felt like a super awesome college student. I was walking down the stairs of the building with so much purpose (like yeah I’m a college student who just had class and learned so much stuff to put in this super smart brain of mine! Man FTW! Who needs friends when you have school????(and who needs to text people when you can email professors???)) and I felt so empowered for like ten whole seconds. And it was just super awesome and to be honest I felt super cool for those ten seconds.

Annndddd then I realized I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my degree anyhow and how stressful life is (I know it’s not that stressful I’m just super dramatic and I stress out way too easily to be normal!!!!!) and it was over.

But a wonderful ten seconds it was.

And then i went back to stalking people’s profiles on Instagram and being jealous of everything they’ve accomplished (weight loss goals, getting internships and (ugh) screenshots of their awesome grades in science classes i could never handle). And that’s what got me here and basically I’m leaving you with:

Laura’s Life Lesson # Unknown: Do not stalk while intoxicated with…..feelings. (Cause you know then you send yourself into depression cause it makes you think about what you want to do with your life and makes you sad about the weight goal you have tried to hit and have missed for five years already which causes you to double tap a picture from too many weeks ago.)

Maybe I’m just an amateur after all.


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