When I Used to Be

I haven’t blogged in almost two weeks now. This is what happens when school consumes you during midterm time. I’m constantly in class and what better time to write (yes I’m handwriting this currently) this than now (in the class I’ve already had my midterm for, so why am I here then?).

Spring Break is around the corner and instead of walking towards it with open arms, I’m crawling on my hands and knees, completely ripped to shreds by my professors this semester. I can see them now, sitting around a TV watching me drag my backpack home (because I’m secretly being filmed), laughing while they sip their coffee that only Ph.D holders drink (a coffee beyond the ever luxurious Starbucks). This is the point in my life as I trudge forward, feet dragging and lids heavy, that I ask the universe why my career hasn’t landed in my lap yet.

Why am I still an ordinary teenager sitting in a classroom? Why am I not jetting off to Paris as a third wheel to Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama, talking about how fabulous we all are? Why am I not hanging on the arm of David Boyd having a late dinner because–we can! There’s no such thing as a school day for us! Not in that life. And why oh why am I not calling up Lauren Oliver and Meg Cabot asking if they want to have a writer’s coffee (even more awesome than a Ph.D coffee)??????

The universe will not tell me why, but I think I kinda know.

For starters, to be a best-selling novelist, you have to first–get this–write a novel.

What a drag right? (I’m kidding (mostly)).

I still have my almost finished novel. And I hadn’t really looked at it in a long time. But I have thought about it. And here’s a conclusion I came to. A really sad conclusion:

It’s not almost done.

There, I said it. I’ve admitted it, even to myself.

It’s not almost finished.

I’ve now realized that it needs so much more. And it’s a horrible, but it’s wonderful at the same time. It will only be that much harder but it will also be that much better…and okay, take me that much longer.

I’m hoping to work on it during this spring break (After, of course, I compose a stupid research paper with a crap research job because my professor is stupid!).

I miss when I was more disciplined.

I would run, I would write. Life was great. Now…now I sleep, I eat (hardly sometimes, too much sometimes) and I do homework.

At least I’m disciplined with getting my homework done on time right?

I fear that this blog has become a story about how much I HATE COLLEGE. But here’s to hoping I’ll graduate within a year.



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