This I do not understand

Sometimes I do thing like avoid my responsibilities for a week (and I definitely regret it later..definitely). And sometimes I do things like pretend I don’t have a research paper due in two days (I know, what kind of monster assigns a research paper during spring break?). And a lot of the time, I completely neglect everything I said I would do (as in I lay around and act like I don’t have a single worry in the world). Basically, these are nearly the same things. And then time creeps up on you and stabs you in the neck.

A little likeHEY I’M YOUR RESEARCH PAPER YOU HAVEN’T DONE! and then all of a sudden you’re bleeding profusely.

orHEY I’M THE CAREER YOU WANT BUT AREN’T GIVING ANY TIME TO. YOU’RE fALLING BEHINd IN LIFE. and then..again, you’re bleeding profusely.

orYO WHAT UP I’M WORK, DID YOU FORGET YOU HAD TO GO TO ME? and then–okay well you get it.

Needless to say, currently, I’m sitting here to tell you that I actually have a lot of other stuff to do, like work on my not-really-done novel, and my short story that I’m not sure is going to be a short story after all (it’s awesome and I have to keep going) and my haven’t-started-it research paper both while I’m also trying to regain my six-miles-day running muscles (which is a work in progress….I’m on two miles right now so yeah) and keep on top of all the other stuff I don’t want to do (like the reading for my American Lit class and the reading responses for my Mexican American Lit class). And by telling you, I am basically, again, avoiding it all. And the funny thing is that blogging was one of the things on my list of things to do….that I never did. HA!

I feel like life is going too slow, that’s all. I just want to skip to the part where my novel is done and perfect and I’m living all fancylike because I have a career and I’m not nineteen and completely confused about where my life is headed. And I’m not completely swamped in homework. I sound like a broken record, I’m sure, but I can’t help it!


But it just stinks because I’m expected to do something that’s more practical like teach or be a doctor or a lawyer or something I don’t want to do.

I am not sure why I am like this. Why I freak about what’s years away to come. Why I am in such a rush to graduate and move on with my life. Why I am in such a rush to finish everything. Why I am in such a rush all the time. I do not understand.

I haven’t even thought about why, because the truth is that I never knew I was trying to rush through life. I didn’t know until I was asked why I was in such a rush. And then I didn’t have the answer because you know, I had no idea I was trying to run full speed at the finish line.

WHAT FINISH LINE? I know right? Not even I know what the end goal is. Or what my end goal is. I think I’ll reach a point that I thought was the end goal, and realize there’s still so much to do, and still so little time, and I’ll start running again. I am not impatient, I just like for things to happen now. Does that make any sort of sense?

Now I’m in a rush to finish this, to move on to the next thing (a movie I HAD been DYING TO WATCH THAT IS NOW ON NETFLIX).

I always feel like if I don’t do something now, I won’t ever get to do it. And this I do not understand.


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